Did you see that?

I remember the exact moment my daughter bent her elbow for the first time. It was kind of unreal. The reward for hoping. The realization of prayer. It wasn't a dream, though, it really happened. As my daughter lay happily underneath the dangling toys of her play gym, she was finally determined enough to grab that toy she wanted. With her left hand. And then, she let go. And SHE BENT HER ELBOW! I squealed with joy. "Did you SEE that?????" I breathlessly asked my husband. He did. He had seen it, too. It happened. I called my friends. I called my mom. As usual, I cried. And then we spent the rest of the evening discussing how it could have been a phenomenon of gravity, and maybe we shouldn't get our hopes up. She was ten weeks old at the time, and we thought that meant that she would make a full spontaneous recovery. That's what the research had told us.

It would be two long days before she would bend that elbow again. But, once she got the hang of it, it was as if she had been doing it since day one. She had aim and precision, she could achieve her goals. Her left arm was not as strong as her right, of course, but over time, it would build up muscle again. A person off the street would never know there was a problem with my precious child. What a wonderful thing to celebrate. The return of normalcy, if only a little. Relief. I could let go of some of the guilt, at least. My child had function of her arm, when there was once a very real possibility that that may never happen.

At six months old, it was time to make the rounds to the doctor's again. We looked forward to showing them her progress, and getting feedback as to what we could do to help her in her recovery. We knew that she would need therapy for several years to improve her muscle bulk. We were hoping for some tests, a peek inside, to see what was happening. What we got, however, was the same as before. Some kids get better, some don't. She probably won't ever play sports, but she'll be just fine. You'll just have to wait and see. There really isn't anything more we can do. I suspect she will recover fully. No surgery. Blah, blah, blah. Twenty-five dollars, please.

It was this visit that made us decide that we didn't need two doctors to look at our kid for 45 seconds after waiting in the office for an hour. If they both agreed, and surely they were right, that she was fine, we could drop one the doctors. And so we did. That doctor would continue to assure us over the next 6 months,that our little girl was doing great, that she was the best-case scenario for this injury, that she would be doing cartwheels in no time. This great doctor, the EXPERT in his field in our state, the PEDIATRIC ORTHOPAEDIC MICRO SURGEON FOR THE HAND AND UPPER EXTREMITY told us she was peachy. Why then, did our daughter walk around with her arm bent in the air? Why then, did she never quite straighten it all the way? Why was her scapula winging out in the back, if this child is so fully recovered? Why can't she turn her hand over?

We were sent home with no real answers to these questions. With no input on where we might be able to find the answers. So, we went home. And I kept trying to find the answers.