Like I said before; having a baby changes everything. You don't know it until it happens, but it is completely clear immediately. Your life will never be the same. This little person, who is of you, has come barging into your life in the most welcome way. For the whole pregnancy, you have been dreaming sweet baby dreams of lullibies and diapers that smell like Daisies. Perfection. Pink-ness. That is all a fantasy, though. I'm sure most mothers would agree.


After the birth, what you are left with is reality. What I was left with was a baby who cried just enough to ensure I never really got to sleep, but never in the company of others. Man, that was irritating. To hear, "does she ever cry?" Of COURSE she does! She is just messing with you!

I was also left with a sadness when I realized I couldn't dress up my new doll in tiny baby clothes, because for the first three weeks, she had to have her arm splinted to her shirt. My hormones were insane, and I had to wonder if my child would ever have control over her once-perfect arm. If she could be the famous guitarist, the horse trainer, the waitress, the (insert noun here) that she wanted to be. If I had strength enough to be the mother of a beautiful girl with such a devastating and unexpected challenge.

It's really hard not to ask "why me?" I do it all the time. "Why her?" Please, God, let me take her place. Please, make her stop hurting. Please, make her whole again. The worst was when she would get upset because it was time for therapy. Sometimes I cried with her. It just wasn't any fun, and you couldn't reason reason with an infant. It was so hard those first few months, and people kept trying to be comforting. The thing is, people don't get it. They don't know what Erb's Palsy is. They don't know that it can be devastating. That there was no time to prepare our hearts and our heads for this thing that was suddenly a part of our lives.

So, we did the best we could. We continued to learn about it, and we continued to seek help. By we, I mean mostly myself. I think as a mother, you are less likely to just let things be and see what happens. There is no question that my husband loves his daughter immensely and wants the very best for her. She is our world now. But, I think husbands are often times content with what the "experts" say, and not as likely to go digging around. To accept that their child will have these limitations in their life, and that we had done all there was to do. I love him for that; for his willingness to love that child unconditionally, without question, without guilt or regret.

I don't what caused me to keep looking for answers. I didn't feel good about what the doctors were saying. I didn't believe them. How could they know, when they spent only 4 minutes in front of my child? A child too young to follow directions, a child sitting in her mother's lap? How can one make any type of VALID assessment in that time, in that environment? I just didn't believe 'em.

We went to church, and I tried to find the answers there. What was the right thing to do? How would I know? I prayed God would lead me in a direction that made sense, that provided answers, that made a difference in my child's progress. That made a difference in our lives. A miracle. To be honest, we still struggle quite a bit with faith. We were baptized when I was only days pregnant, and we have come a long way. But, it's very hard to not be mad at God. But, we keep trying.